Why are we so reluctant to monitor our kids online the same way we do offline?
” I trust my child”
” I don’t want to invade their privacy”
“My child would NEVER do those things online”
“I’m not going to SPY on my child”
These are often the reasons parents give for not monitoring their kids online activities. Unfortunately, while they may come from a good place, taking this type of hands off approach to technology and our kids can be dangerous.
Giving tweens and teens (and in some cases even younger children) complete freedom in the online world is giving them too much autonomy that they aren’t ready for yet. It is placing adult privileges and responsibility on their shoulders, but they are not adults. Plus, let’s face it, most of us know plenty of adults who don’t handle themselves appropriately online.
Research has shown that the frontal lobe of the human brain doesn’t fully develop until sometime in a person’s 20’s, and this is the part of the brain that controls impulse control and risk-taking behavior. This is why teenagers are notorious for making poor and short-sighted decisions, and why children in general need parental oversight and involvement.
Just one cautionary tale of many from across the nation is the recent story out of Colorado where more than HALF the students at one high school were caught participating in a nude photo exchange. Hundreds of photos of a sexual nature were discovered including children that were as young as 8th graders.
Of course we all want to think the best of our kids, but understanding and not being naive about their limitations is how we keep our children safe and help them learn to navigate the world around them.
No one questions why we stand beneath our toddler when they try to climb the jungle gym for the first time. It’s because we don’t know for sure what they are capable of yet and we need to be there in case they fall. We don’t refuse to attend parent/teacher conferences or throw away their report cards without looking at them, because we’re afraid our children will think we are invading their privacy.
And as our children get old enough to drive and to go out with friends on their own, we don’t require them to tell us where they will be going because we don’t trust them. We do it because as parents we recognize it is our responsibility to know where are kids are, who they are with and what they are doing.
Parental Controls – Managing Kids Technology
Why is it any different when it comes to what they are doing on a computer, on a mobile phone or any technological device? Why do we care who they are hanging out with in real life, but we may have no idea who they are friends with on Facebook or Instagram or Snapchat? Why would we keep them from watching PG-13 and R rated movies, because they are too old for them, but we don’t investigate what the age recommendations are for many apps they are using or even various forms of social media?
What Every Parent Needs to Know About Social Media for Kids
If we are going to be involved parents, who take an interest in our children’s lives, that has to include technology, because think about the amount of time our kids spend using technology today. We can’t exclude something that consumes almost an equal percentage of their time as many of their extra-curricular activities.
Also, even the best kids make mistakes. That is part of growing-up. Think back to when you were in middle school and high school and some of the unfortunate choices you made. Now, imagine if some of those stories, or worse yet photos, made their way onto today’s social media.
Unfortunately, until this generation, most youthful screw-ups often faded away with the passing of time. Now, one stupid Facebook post or a photo texted to a single person can be passed onto hundreds and even thousands of people in an instant and can never be deleted from the online identity that will follow our children their entire lives.
Is it unfair that the stakes are SO high for our kids? Absolutely. Are the risks potentially overblown like so many dangers for our kids these days? Probably. Welcome to the unique challenges of modern parenting.
The Real Truth Parents Need to Know About Tweens, Teens, and Texting Acronyms
Meeting those challenges though can be done using the tried and true parenting techniques of setting expectations and just staying engaged with our kids and aware of what they are doing.
If we are upfront with our kids that we will be checking what they post online, the people that they are communicating with and the photos they are taking and sending, than it’s not spying. We’re not be secretive or sneaky and we’re not invading their privacy.
Technology is a privilege our children enjoy, it is not a right, it is something they earn. Privacy when using technology is the same. As they get older and demonstrate they deserve more freedom, we can give it. Whether it is their everyday lives or their online lives, the rules should be the same and our kids need to know we care about and will be involved in both equally. We owe them that much.
Monitoring our kids online isn’t spying, it’s simply parenting with a 21st century twist.
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Peggy H. says
What a great article! What apps are good for monitoring your child’s cell phone, computer, and even playstations and xboxes?
Kira Lewis says
Hi –
We actually did a review of one such product and you can read more about it here. https://www.sunshineandhurricanes.com/parental-controls-managing-kids-technology/
There’s also another well known one called Net Nanny. Unfortunately, I don’t believe there is one product that will do everything you’ve mentioned above, but start with these two and I think you’ll find most of what you need.
You’ve sparked a new topic for us as well, so we’ll look into doing a more comprehensive post on resources for monitoring in the near future.
Thanks!
Kira
Peggy H. says
Thank you Kira! My son will be 15 in a couple of weeks. He’s high functioning autistic and is a genious when it comes to electronics so I’m going to have to be stealth, if you know what I mean, lol.
Pam says
I love how you put this! We should never be afraid to parent our kids. As I’ve heard parents say before, “privacy” doesn’t exist until you’re 18 and living on your own.
alexandria says
Oh,I will definitely be monitoring my daughter when she has a phone or is able to search on her own. I don’t think it’s a bad parenting move at all. I get they deserve privacy but it is other people we need to worry about too.
Natalia Pessoa says
I agree, a lot of dangerous things can happen if you leave them unattended. There was even a warning movie. But, the good thing is nowadays there are programs and softwares that can block them from seeing or visiting certain things.
CourtneyLynne says
I feel like with all the craziness in the world these days you just have to monitor what your kiddos are doing! There are crazies out there!
Koninika says
Parenting is hard and understanding how the digital world affects our children is yet to be quantifiable determined. It’s however very important to monitor online activity.
Heather says
This is really great advice! I am having trouble figuring out how to raise my kids in the midst of technology – partly because I am a blogger and my kids see me on the computer a lot, and also because when I was there age, we did not have a computer. We didn’t get our first computer until I was in junior high, and even then it didn’t actually have any type of online world to be involved in.
April G says
I make it very clear to my son that he has no expectation of privacy. I can be and will be in his business at any time I choose. My goal isn’t to be nosy but to protect him. We were given parents because we need guidance and if we didn’t we’d be like most animals and left to fend for ourselves for under a year. At this point in time, he seems to get it, but he’s also a pre-teen. I’ll see how much he gets it in about three more.
Sarah says
Yes, yes, yes! Parents absolutely have the right to know everything their child does online. I am so thankful that apps and programs make this easier to do, because I am 100% ready when the time comes and my kids start becoming interested in going online.
tp keane says
I have two boys (8 & 11) who are just coming into the online years. I allow them access to the internet only when I’m in the room to supervise them and they are not allowed to talk/chat/message or connect in any way with anyone through the screen… not even if they think they know them. Until they become responsible adults, the internet is for research and computer games, no social media. Their social media is to open the back door and go outside with their friends 🙂
Siniciliya says
I believe it is okay to be “spying” as long as we can accept, not judge and keep it quiet about what was discovered.
Rose Sahetapy says
I love this post! Parents should have authority and use it properly, including monitoring what happen with their children on social media. Letting children get into social media, like let them be in the jungle. Imagine if you are not there to protect them (in a proper and suited way).
jill conyers says
No matter what it’s called we should most definitely be monitoring online activity. I remember the deal with my kids when they first got into social media. Yes you can but I have to follow/friend you and I can never be blocked. Haha. They were sure they were the only kids in the world with their mom as a “friend”.
Debra says
I have heard too many scary stories about kids because their parents weren’t monitoring. I monitor very close and don’t feel bad about it at all!
Stacey says
Please, please, please monitor! As a middle school teacher and mother of six I have seen a lot! Parents need to know what is going on – there are apps that hide chat rooms that allow your child to chat with anyone. Bullying, sexting – it really does happen.
Beeb Ashcroft says
Privacy is one thing but when you’re that young, you don’t get the luxury of THAT much privacy and I know when they are older, they will understand just like I did with my parents. It’s worth it to protect them.
Colette says
It’s tough to balance monitoring and privacy and giving kids the freedom they need. I take its really knowing your child and and the level of trust you have with them. Good advice!
Deb- It's me, debcb! says
You have to monitor your kids online. Period. They do some pretty stupid stuff (and yes, I have a teenager).
Emily @ Love, Pasta and a Tool Belt says
I think it’s important to know what your kids are getting online for but also for them to know you’re keeping an eye out.
Fatima says
I have to agree with you on this one. I often find myself “checking in” on my son, and he’s only 2!
I do it not only to protect him (and silence the crazy voice in my head), but to make sure he knows what’s expected of him when I’m not there to watch over him. He watches videos on our iPad and we monitor it. Even when he interacts with other kids. We like to keep it in a controlled environment when we go to visit family.
My parents never liked having kids play in rooms by themselves, and my husband and I are the same way. I like to pay close attention to what is being said, and if I need to jump in at any moment to not only correct my kid, but make sure the other ones aren’t being nasty. And believe me, I’ve had to do this on numerous occasions.
karissa says
I agree that kids need to be monitored. Since they are the first generation growing up online it can be hard to figure out where to set lines and how much to let them explore. I’m trying to learn these lessons as my daughter is growing up.
Becca says
I used to work in a day camp and there was more than one occasion we had to return a “confiscated” phone to a parent and warn them that they may want to look at the text messages to see what their (very young) teen was doing. Setting your teen loose on the internet without guidance is way worse than letting them wander the neighborhood alone, and yet, most parents won’t do that.
Jaclyn says
This is such a great reminder and I like your position on it. I do try to treat my son with the same respect that I would an adult, but there are definitely always boundaries (even for adults)!
Heather lawrence says
We monitor what our kids do online and we make sure that we have boundaries in place to protect them.
The computer is in a common room and we can see what they are doing at all times.
Its a tool not a toy and once it becomes a toy they are done.
I want to teach my kids to have a heathy respect for the internet and keep them safe while they are using it.
Krystle Chaney Cook says
I will be monitoring my kids online. There are so many horrible things they could be doing with just a click of a button. I will be upfront and they will know I will know if they do something.
Robin Rue (@massholemommy) says
I am not reluctant at all. I am all up in everything my kids do – online or off 🙂
Hellomidlifecrisis says
In total agreement.
While my kids are mostly grown now (I don’t monitor my 20 year old of course, but I do look at her twitter from time to time) i have never batted an eye at checking up on them when I felt necessary.
You’re right, it’s PARENTING.
Karen says
You are so right about this. Its not spying…its called parenting. Not sure how this got confusing… but its crazy important to make sure your child is safe. There are a million ways that technology is fabulous, but its Karen | GlamKaren.com
Kristen says
I TOTALLY need to do this Kira, I suck at not monitoring. And now that she goes on the internet for homework, we need some serious parental controls!