Alright, I think it is about time that we (yes, you and me mamas) take on this whole gifted nonsense and put it all out in the open. We talk a lot about the ways we moms judge each other for our challenges, but what we seem to not want to admit is how much we also judge each other for our perceived strengths (or those of our children).
I happen to be raising two children who have been identified in our educational system as “Gifted”. Do I LOVE that label? No, not so much.
Do I think that each and every child has “gifts”? You bet I do! However, I didn’t come up with the label, the criteria, or anything else to do with it. It’s what my kids and I are stuck with.
It is clear to me that people have attached a whole lot of meaning to the word “gifted” that it doesn’t deserve. As a result, people assume things about gifted kids, and their parents, that are rarely true. So, I’m ready to tackle some of these myths so we can all get over ourselves.
Yes, my kid is gifted, but NO, that does not mean that your kid is stupid
I don’t think that way for one minute and I’m not out there comparing my kids to yours. Now, if you’re the one comparing, I really can’t do anything about that. My kids process information differently and while it might help them do better in school, that is no guarantee.
I was also labeled “gifted” as a child, but beyond 5th grade I could barely pass a math class without a tutor. I’m pretty sure I scored in around the 13th percentile on the math portion of the ACT. There are plenty of kids who excel academically that are not “gifted” and plenty of “gifted” kids who will struggle in school.
So many different factors go into making someone smart
or stupid. It’s not all wrapped up in an IQ number or grades on a report card. To quote one of my all time favorite movie characters, Forrest Gump
, “Stupid is as Stupid Does.”
Yes, my kid is “gifted”, but NO, that does not mean that he is better than your kid
Being “gifted” simply identifies something about how my kids think. Other children are “musical” or “funny” or “creative” or perhaps even all of those things. Just as any child has numerous words that identify both their strengths and their challenges, my children are not simply defined by the word “gifted”, and it doesn’t give them some kind of automatic pass to an exclusive club for specialness.
Yes, my kids is gifted, but NO, that does not mean that he will be more successful than your kid.
There is so much more that goes into a person’s success than a score on a test. We talk about the advantages of being street smart vs book smart and when it comes to making it in this world there is certainly something to be said for that bit of wisdom.
Gifted kids may do well in school, but once they get in the real world their intellect can’t help them navigate the more nuanced parts of professional work. Being gifted isn’t always compatible with leadership. That’s a whole different set of skills and gifts that often require being a “people person” and that isn’t always where gifted kids excel.
Yes, my kid is gifted, but NO, that does not mean life will be easier for him than for your kid
Being labeled “gifted” is not a fast pass to easy street. Gifted kids face plenty of struggles. They tend to be highly sensitive and intense
with a profound awareness of complex issues, yet their young age leaves them emotionally unprepared to process the full extent of the information they absorb.
This often makes it difficult for them to fit in socially and to make friends, which can lead to a higher likelihood that they will be teased and bullied by their peers. Gifted kids can also put an enormous amount of pressure on themselves and believe that they SHOULD be excelling academically and in other areas of life, when that just isn’t the case. All of these challenges can make gifted children more vulnerable to depression and other mental health issues.
Yes, my kid is gifted, but NO, that doesn’t mean that I’m a better parent
I know in our current culture of competitive child rearing, sometimes the idea of a gifted child can seem like the brass ring of parental accomplishment, but other than a potentially small genetic contribution, the parents have nothing to do with it. Yes, a few parents are likely to wear their child’s giftedness like a badge of honor, but we see “those” parents in all areas of child rearing.
Please don’t automatically assume that all parents of gifted kids are like this or that we are part of some exclusive perfect parenting club. I have to work at Parenting, just as much as any other parent. And believe me, I’ll be the first to tell you my kids are no angels. Half the time I wonder if I could sell them on eBay. Plus, gifted kids cause plenty of parenting problems. Their endless questioning can be exhausting. They often have an intense and totally overdeveloped sense of justice and can be extremely argumentative. In addition, their intellectual abilities can also lead them to be highly manipulative.
Yes, my kids are gifted, but that doesn’t mean I should feel like I have to keep it a secret, because the very acknowledgment of it is somehow bragging. Plus, I hate that I feel like I have to hush my children anytime they mention it to someone for fear of how they will be perceived and treated. My children being gifted doesn’t take away anything away from anyone else’s children or make any kind of judgement. It doesn’t make them special as in better. It’s just one of many things that is special about them and they have a right to feel pride in that, just as any child has a right to and should feel pride in whatever makes them unique.
Whether your child is gifted or not, do you feel like you can’t share the positive things about them with other parents?
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Kristen says
So damn true! My brother never finished High School and is KILLING it in business. SO successful with his natural instincts and street smarts. Was he “book” smart, uh hell no! But as you said a score on a test doesn’t determine our path for success.
Kira Lewis says
Couldn’t agree more, there is so much that goes into making a successful, content adult. None of us get a pass to easy street.
Lori says
This was my experience with my gifted son: In second grade having to spend hours role-playing him getting answers wrong to questions so he wouldn’t have a meltdown in class when he didn’t get something right the first time. In third grade, where he was a year ahead, having his teacher tell us that he was bored, that there wasn’t anything challenging him, and that he was being disruptive because there wasn’t anything meaningful for him to do so we should get him tested for ADHD so he could get medication. In 10th grade not having concepts challenging enough for him, but having a level of disorganization bad enough that he would forget to turn in homework so he flunked out of calculus.
There were amazing parts of having a gifted child, but frustrating-to-the-point-of-tears parts, too. Just like any other child. If your child is talented athletically, you will be proud about one aspect of it one day and broken-hearted about another aspect of it the next. The same for those are musical, or artistic, or mechanical, or special-needs. It’s just how it goes.
Great post.
Kira Lewis says
Raising children, no matter their strengths, challenges and personalities is difficult. I think we put too much weight on certain labels without always understanding the full package. I definitely feel the struggles you went through and really appreciate your feedback!
Pam Sohan says
I have one child that was “Gifted” , one child that is Autistic and one child that is “artistic”. Talk about parenting challenges LOL We never made a big deal about any of the labels that the school system gave each kid. At home they were all treated exactly the same, same chores and exceptions of behavior. The oldest was “gifted” in math and science but struggled with English and History. She also had a very black and white sense of what was right and wrong which caused trouble with friends and co workers. It also caused her to move away from home when she was 18 and have very little contact with us. The Autistic child is high functioning but that brings its own set of problems because he “presents well” people that don’t know him often expect way too much of him. He’s a delight to have around. But at the same time I often want to run and hide and have some time without the endless conversations about video games and anime. I still struggle with the fact that he will more than likely always live at home and we will never have those empty nest years. I get jealous sometimes of my friends, then I feel like a bad Mom. The youngest is the Artistic one and is currently at art school. She is very talented but also very scatterbrained and is on academic probation this fall. She’s been diagnosed with a General Anxiety Disorder and has a meeting with her counselor the day we take her back to school to set up accommodations with her professors. Parenting is never easy and we should never take those labels to heart or be overly encouraged or discouraged about them. I’ve never been embarrassed about the labels the kids got, we pretty much ignored them until it was handy to use them to get each child the things they needed to be successful in school and in life. Wow didn’t mean to type so much LOL
Kira Lewis says
I truly appreciated all your comments and then time you took with your reply. I’m sure others will read it and find it helpful! Parenting is just a BIG job regardless of our individual circumstances and its so much better when we support and encourage each other. I think it’s time we stopped making it a competitive sport.