All of us learned when we were children, in some kind of social studies class or another, that EVERY group/tribe, etc has their own standards, guidelines, and unspoken rules that must be followed.
Learning these nuances can take time and you run the risk of making a serious faux pas if you break the code of conduct. Even worse- you could be ostracized or ousted.
I’m sure many of you would agree, nowhere is this a MORE delicate dance than in the world of mommyhood. Since I just can’t bear to watch another sister go down in flames at the playground, I’m going to reveal the secrets of THE MOM CODE, but you have to promise it’s just between you and me…..
A Quick Guide to THE MOM CODE
Birthday Party Gifts
Let’s start with the more innocent and rookie mistakes like Playdough, kinetic sand, silly putty, finger paint (okay, all paint), or glitter which all =BIG no-no’s. Just because you’re the cool mom that enjoys scrubbing the carpet and role playing Cinderella doesn’t mean all your friends do…some of us send our kids to preschool for those experiences.
And while we’re talking gifts, you’ll also want to eliminate pets as a possibility. Even if your kids would never miss those hermit crabs cool Uncle Joe gave them, your friends don’t want them at their house either. Let’s just agree moms don’t give other mom’s kids anything with a heartbeat, m’kay?
Oh and you can check off questionable beauty products for preschoolers, like hair chalk, lip gloss and the ever dreaded nail polish. Seriously, that Hello Kitty manicure set is pretty much a 2 hour clean up waiting to happen.
Playdates
Playdates aren’t code for free babysitting. Dropping your darling at the door and heading to Target for a latte and clearance stroll isn’t what the mom from carline meant when she invited you over.
Unless specifically stated, your presence is expected, leave the drop and dash for preschool.
Taboo Topics
There are some things better kept off the playground, like discussions about vaccines, breast vs. bottle, the family bed, free -range vs. helicopter, stay at home vs working moms, and anything to do with organic food, hydrogenated oils, and GMOs.
Every mama deeply loves her little one and is doing her best to navigate the deep waters around big issues. Let’s keep the peaceful vibe around all those swings and slides and hold off on the “healthy” discussions for a Mom’s Night Out or NEVER.
Tooth Fairy
Whether or not the Tooth Fairy is a thing at your house, can we all agree to stop the elaborate gifts for teeth program? Special gold coins, trips to the zoo, Lego sets, and new outfits aren’t legit tooth fairy bounty. When your kid gets $20 for every lost tooth along with a fairy dust trail to the breakfast table, it’s jeopardizing the believability factor for the rest of us.
Seriously, $20 for letting nature take it’s course? You may want to think that out long term: 20 baby teeth x $20= $400…save that money for braces.
Also, when your child comes home and says that a friend at school told her that sometimes the tooth fairy is too busy to get to everyone on the same night, back a mama up on this one.
Questions You NEVER Answer Honestly
Anything to do with baby weight, if your child sleeps through the night, a child’s giftedness or lack there of in any area, if you have housecleaners, how often your children are fed via drive-thru and the frequency with which you have sex (if you’re actually having it) …
We all know the real truths of motherhood, but that doesn’t mean they are all meant to be shared. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and there isn’t anywhere that is more true when trying to maintain precious mommy friendships.
Babysitter Hijacking
Finding a responsible and reliable babysitter that your kids like is almost like the parenting equivalent of mining diamonds. They are rare and precious gem stones, something we often tend to hoard. However, should a fellow mother be so amazingly generous and pass along the number for her prized sitter when you are in a pinch, under NO circumstances does that infer a joint custody agreement.
You MUST always clear any future dates and times you wish to employ said babysitter with the mom who found her first and Do Not Even Think About Offering to Pay Her More!
Okay, so I think I’ve covered the MAJOR parts of the Mom Code, but if you think I’ve forgotten any truly important ones feel free to let me know in the comments and I’ll be sure to add it later. We moms are all in this together, even if it doesn’t always feel that way, so it’s good to watch out for each other.
In case you needed a little more direction about those Gifts NOT to Give Kids, we thought it was SO important that we actually went ahead and wrote a WHOLE post just on that topic.
If you liked this post, you might also like Motherhood Doesn’t Mean Happiness.
Kat says
Eh, I don’t entirely agree with the gifting thing. I think mom code for that would be more along the lines of having a sincere appreciation that your child received anything in the first place. However, I admit that reading it did bring me back to the day when my the 4yr old got a Lego set with centimeter sized pieces meant more for an adult….. It’s five years later and I’m still finding them around the house! I remember getting flushed when he opened THAT gift 😉
I have a mom code to add: don’t flake out on play dates. The other party’s children get all worked up and excited with the anticipation of their little friends coming over only to get extremely let down. While it’s important for kids to learn to deal with disappointment, I don’t think this is an appropriate avenue. It’s just sad and happens a lot.
Interesting post and concept!
Kara says
Baaaahahaha!!! I’m literally in line at the school waiting on my kiddos and read this!!! THIS IS BEYOND HYSTERICAL!!! And true! Oh the fish that have darkened my door way after a birthday party! And if you need evidence of the nail polish rule I am shopping for new flooring as I write. Lol. Thank you so much for the share! Mamas need other mamas! No one was born an expert and remember if it’s vaccinations or the 5 second rule we ALL have our opinions. Just a shout out to the mamas!! If your child is clothed and fed and happy. BRAVO!!! There is a lot you have done that no sees nor will they ever see in person. GOOD JOB MAMA!!!
Chavon Cortez says
Hi there!
I just have to say, I get the whole gift thing. Totally! HAHA I hate playdough. But everything else I just kept feeling like, “Man Am I blessed to not have such uptight prudes for girlfriends.” If woman have this much time on their hands to get upset and “oust” someone because of these things, then well, I don’t need a friend or an enemy like that. I was done with those kinds of people in high school.
How about we all just give each other a break and realize it’s hard for everyone and each person has their own unique challenges? How about giving each other a little grace to be human! Image is just that…..image…..not reality. If you can’t be real, then why do anything but hide in your house all day? Be you. Be real. And if people don’t like it, then move on. Life is not about impressing other moms or people, it’s about loving each other. Anything less is failure.
All My Best,
Chavon
Chavon Cortez says
sorry for all the typos….I need to get my nails done….they’re too long and hitting the wrong keys….annnnd I didn’t proof read. 🙂
Michelle Myers says
No problem, happens to me, too! 🙂
Michelle Myers says
Hey Chavon! Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment! This post was intended to be cheeky and fun, some mamas LOVE playdough and glitter and are totally cool with things others are not. And, you’re completely right, at the end of the day, it’s all about love! 🙂
Chavon Cortez says
It was definitely cheeky and fun 🙂 I just couldn’t help but think how much these “unspoken” rules reminded me of Mean Girls in high school. LOL How about we SPEAK ABOUT THEM….like you’re doing….so everyone knows what someone else might be sensitive to, instead of complaining about it when that mom leaves the playground and then ousting her for not knowing. I mean….because we don’t always have our crystal balls with us. HAHAHA 🙂
Amanda says
I’m sorry, but I think this blog post is complete crap. If you don’t surround yourself with people with whom you can be honest, what’s the point? If I’m at your house with my kid and find out your kid hasn’t been vaccinated, I’m taking my kid and leaving, and our kids will not play together anymore.
If we can’t commiserate about things like baby weight and babies sleeping through the night, what the hell are we going to talk about? I want meaningful conversations. I don’t want to talk about the Kardashians or any other reality TV show.
It seems to me that what you are encouraging is the formation of shallow, meaningless relationships. I don’t know how other moms feel, but I don’t have time for that. I would much rather cultivate meaningful relationships where we can have those kinds of conversations respectfully.
Michelle Myers says
Hey Amanda, thanks for taking the time to comment. The last word in your comment sums it all up: respectfully. Having respectful discussions, being friends with a variety of people, not just those that agree 100% with your views, are important. We’re not advocating shallow relationships but we’re also not advocating sharing every view you have at the first playdate you attend. Hot button issues are best shared in the context of well formed friendships, in our opinion.
chris says
lol kinda agree, I’m sitting here wondering, is this for real. Smile and look pretty don’t offend anyone with anything possible, don’t have any real discussions about life. The only think I get was not dropping your kid off at a playdate. I guess to each thier own.
CourtneyLynne says
Omg I was clueless and I mean clueless about mom code until my daughter was old enough to go to baby play dates and mom and me things…. Yup….. There are definitely things NOT to bring up lol… Who knew?!
Roxanne says
I didn’t know about the mom code until I became a mom. It’s one of those things you have to learn on the job. 😉
Michelle Myers says
Absolutely, Roxanne! There’s no OJT quite like motherhood! 😉
Becca says
Haha I’ve totally given play-doh as a gift. But to be fair, the mom said they needed new ones! I can’t imagine giving a kid a pet though… That seems like quite the gamble!
Michelle Myers says
I think you’re cool if the mom asked for something specifically, like playdough. The worst is when the hostess gives pets as party favors…..uuuuugggghhhhhhhh!!!!!
Heather says
This is a riot! I am the mom that talks about the GMO’s. I’m sorry, I just can’t seem to help it! But, I typically bring it up when I know how others around me already feel about the subject 🙂
Michelle Myers says
Thanks for laughing along, Heather!
MyTeenGuide says
I must admit that I broke some of those gift codes before. This is a great resource for parents.
Michelle Myers says
Sometimes forgiveness is easier than permission….LOL
jill conyers says
This is awesome! And all so true. The gift thing. Everyone needs to know this!
Paula says
This post is pretty funny. One things I’ve noticed in my son’s preschool is that there is always one family, every year, that starts the birthday goodie bag thing. Like, we’re cranking along, people are bringing cookies and a sticker for the kid’s actual birthday (which is just fine with the kids), but then there’s a family around November that sends home a full fledged goodie bag for every child in the class, and you can just watch the “competition” kick in. No joke, once someone has brought a bag, then the birthday celebrations get more and more elaborate. It’s insane!
Michelle Myers says
Totally agree! Things escalate to crazytown pretty quickly, especially in preschool!
laura londergan says
oh my gosh this post cracked me up! I love reading this & have to own up . . .I have given my kid a gift for a tooth one time as I was out of cashola! and i am pretty sure it was a mini Lego set I had stashed for a bday gift – please don’t throw anything at me! 😉
Michelle Myers says
Ha! You totally get a pass for a mini Lego set! 🙂
Jamie @ Coffee With Us 3 says
I can’t believe people give their kids $20 for a tooth! That’s outrageous! We weren’t even planning to do the tooth fairy, since my kids are homeschooled and I didn’t figure they would care. But when my daughter’s first tooth was super loose my kids started talking about the tooth fairy. So I asked who they think the tooth fairy is, and my son said he wanted to be the tooth fairy. It was so sweet– he even offered to use his own spending money, but obviously I don’t expect that! Both kids have thought it’s a riot now for my son to sneak a quarter under my daughter’s pillow at some point during the day (because seriously, who wants to do this stuff in the middle of the night?) and then my daughter gets so excited when she finds it! It’s fabulous, and definitely a worthwhile tradition (but don’t worry, they know not to pass on to other kids that my son is the tooth fairy 😉 )
Michelle Myers says
That’s such a sweet story! The tooth fairy stories my kids have come home with are c-r-a-z-y, people have taken it to an insane level around here!
Cathy M says
Haha well, speaking as a non-mom, I am pleased to know that I already knew some of these taboo topics that I should not talk about with moms. This was definitely an interesting read–I will for sure keep this in mind if I become a momma any time soon. I think I’ll share this with my sister!
Debra says
I think one of the best things about the Mom Code is having a friend that is close enough to you to break the code. I love giving my best friends kiddos playdough. 😉
Michelle Myers says
HA! My friends know I don’t have any love for stuffed animals so they make it a point to give them to my kids!
Erin says
LOL! Oh how I love this post! Especially on gifts! The only person allowed to buy my children that stuff is my mom… as payback for all the crap I got in the carpet as a kid! LOL!!!
Michelle Myers says
Great point, we’ll call that the Grandma exemption! 😉
Alissia Haggard says
This is so cute! Completely true too. I hate when moms bring up controversial things to start the mommy wars- so frustrating.
Kacie says
I must say, I break these codes often! Especially the taboo topics! Fortunately, I’m still friends with the other moms I’m around! 🙂
Jaclyn Kent says
Ohh I love this post! Haha! And then there’s the mamas that you can break all these codes with and still be friends! 😀
Robin Rue (@massholemommy) says
I have been a mom for 11 years and this is the first I have heard of a few of these things. I have to disagree on the Play-Doh, though. It makes an AWESOME gift and my kids loved getting it.
Michelle Myers says
I think it’s all in a mom’s perspective….many moms cannot stand playdough, usually because of the clean up.
Kassie O'Driscoll says
We are preparing to have our first child so I’ll have to see if any of these things happen to us! I can’t imagine inviting someone over for a play date and them leaving their kids with me… or, like another commenter, going to someone’s house and THEY leave. Craziness!
Michelle Myers says
Welcome aboard, Kassie! Motherhood is eye opening on many levels! All the best!
Lilouisianagal says
Bringing toys to the park. Leave them at home or in the car! But don’t be pissed if other kids want to play with the toys your kiddo abandoned by the slide.
Melissa says
Discussions never to have: circumcision vs. no circumcision.
Michelle Myers says
YES! Definitely add that one!
C. Willis says
I have a friend who takes the playdate violations to a new level – multiple times she has asked me and my kids over for a “playdate” then SHE leaves HER OWN HOUSE, leaving me there with all the kids.
Kira Lewis says
Wow, she’s certainly pretty bold. I think it’s time to decline any further invitations. That is a friend you and your child don’t need.
C says
I am an aunt of many kiddos. During my nieces 2nd Bday party I got her a play-doh -easy cleaning version- of course, set. Plus some other art driven gifts. I wasn’t aware of the codes & understand now. BUT my request to Moms – don’t be snarky, passive aggressive, or calling you out for getting said code breaker gift. It’s unkind & inconsiderate. I have felt the “oh she doesn’t have kids & just doesn’t get it” experience often. Be mindful Moms, it’s not all about codes.
Kira Lewis says
We appreciate your comments. Overall, I don’t think the majority of moms would ever be rude or ungrateful for any gift given to a child with love and care. Are some gifts a little more of a hassles sometimes, yes, but it can also depend on the age and even the maturity of the child. While we are certainly encouraging people to think about what gifts they give to children, much of this was meant in a goodhearted way. However, I stand by the gifting things that are alive. 😉 You sound like a wonderful Aunt and all your nieces and nephews are lucky to have someone who is a part of the big events in their lives like Birthdays and that is worth more than any gift.
Andrea says
I am a mommy of two and love art. If your nieces and nephews love art you should continue to give them such gifts. How about we asking the Mom if it’s ok, other wise invite kids to your home to play with such toys? I would have loved an Aunt who did that. Your intentions were good.
Megan says
Exactly, Andrea! The point of that item in the blog is to be mindful that not all moms are cool with the repercussions those kinds of activities. Some moms are happy to clean up the mess associated with art projects, but others are NOT. It’s absolutely appropriate to ask a mom, especially a friend, whether those kinds of gifts are okay for their children. If the mom is not a friend (yet at least), then avoid those kinds of gifts and get something “safe” for everyone.
Kristen says
Well done! And thanks for the babysitting hijacking thing – didn’t know that part of the mom code. Oops!