You Never Know Who Might School You In Parenting
On a recent morning, I stopped by a local Starbucks for a much-needed caffeine fix and to get a little work done. The place was packed, and I had to squeeze myself into the only available table between some chatting moms and a group of fifty-something men.
I pulled out my computer and attempted to concentrate on my business tasks. However, as I sat there, I found it increasingly difficult to ignore the topics the men next to me were discussing.
First, they were talking about women they work with and what they felt were revealing choices for work attire. They spoke descriptively and loudly about these women’s “assets”. These same men then proceeded to start evaluating the fashion choices of the different women picking up their coffee orders. Unfortunately, I’m not talking about the brands they were wearing or their smart shoes, but rather the lengths of their skirts and the tightness of their jeans.
As I continued to try and focus on my work, I found myself becoming not only angry, but also humiliated, shamed, and disgusted. I contemplated if I should say something, and if so, what exactly?
I felt sick to my stomach and decided that the best course of action would just be to leave. Speaking up seemed unnecessarily confrontational, self-righteous and would probably be a huge waste of time.
I started packing up my stuff, but my anger continued to rise. What if the comments of these dirty old men had been directed at my daughter? Or, what if she were the one sitting here, listening to their totally crass and inappropriate comments, what would I want her to do?
As I turned to go, instead of fleeing quietly for the door, I stopped and stared down at these men looking each one in the eyes. Then with a completely calm and very sincere voice, I told them how what they were saying made me feel and how demeaning it was for all women. I asked them if they had wives and daughters, what would they think if they had overheard them today.
They looked at me stunned and speechless. As I walked away, I knew I had done the right thing, even though my whole body was shaking. But once I had reached the safety of my car, I wondered why I had even questioned addressing these men and their cave-man behavior.
I realized part of why I hesitated is that the voices being raised in our world today seem to be ones filled with disrespect, anger and even hate. Even though this is such a small segment of humankind, I think the rest of us have had a counter reaction to just be silent. We’re so turned off by all the yelling and derogatory language; we certainly don’t want to be considered a part of it.
We’re also either afraid or resigned to that fact that we will go unheard. Yet, by keeping quiet, we Guarantee we won’t be heard and then we pass this lesson on to our children. Could this be why bullying is becoming rampant, because our children don’t believe that they should speak up, or that it will matter?
I know there will be many times in both my children’s lives when those around them use the power of words to try and make them feel less. I never want either one of them to sit there and think it is okay or even worse that they deserve it and can’t do anything about it. They need to know speaking up for themselves and for others is vital and can even be life-saving. They just need to understand the difference between yelling and calmly requesting respect.
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Kanayo Okwuraiwe says
If only more people would so what you did and speak up, about any injustice or wrong doing they see or witness, instead of “letting it slide.” I imagine what you said to those men made them think. just what if it was their wife/daughter/sister being spoken of, and they heard.
Moral of the story: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you you/your daughter/wife/brother/sister/etc.
Nancy Hawks says
AMEN!
Pam says
Way to face those men. It amazes me what some people thinks passes as acceptable behavior. We definitely need to model to our kids how to calmly handle situations like these. Thanks for sharing!
Rose Sahetapy says
I like the way how you dealed with the situation, and you began with staring at them deeply. On psychological side, through your staring you’ve already overcome them, before you ended it with words. That’s the way, in my opinion, we should address people with this kind of mindset.
Brianna L. George (@BriannaLGeorge) says
Way to go! You were calm, polite and hopefully your words made a difference. ((hugs)) I have been in a similar situation. You did the righ thing.
Beeb Ashcroft says
You go, girl! I think too many people are willing to speak up over a computer but not in real life where it’s a little more impacting. I work at a college and often have to remind students about their manners.
jill conyers says
I’m curious to know what I would have done in the same situation. I guess go with my gut at the moment. It rarely, if ever, leads me in the wrong direction.
OurFamilyWorld says
That is so brave of you to speak up. It’s true, some men think like that.
Siniciliya says
So brave of you! I’ve learned that some men can be even worse in gossiping than some women. I only hope that they have taken their time to speak nasty with each other and when they come back home they will keep their mouths shut.
I am also that kind of person that will never keep quiet when I hear or see something ugly, unfair or disgusting.
http://www.siniciliya.com
Kimberly says
You’re a brace and relentless Mom. I’m not sure I could have done the same. Good for you!
Emily @ Love, Pasta and a Tool Belt says
How brave of you to speak up in such a situation! Great job! Hopefully now they will think twice before talking like that again.
Krystle Chaney Cook says
That was so brave of you to speak up. I don’t think I could of done that. I would of just told my husband later what I had heard.
Koninika says
Such a comprehensive description of parenting advice. Sometimes we forget we can learn from anyone and everyone. Love how you talk about the “power of words.” Being a writer myself, I really appreciate the significance of words in our lives.
Allie says
Good for you for saying something!! I can only imagine how nerve racking that must have been for you, but you absolutely did the right thing. And what a great example to be set for your children. It’s sad that there are people out there who don’t think about how their words and actions effect people around them, but sadly it is our reality. But good for you standing up for yourself and for the other women around you! Definitely sending you an digital high five right now! 🙂
Laurie says
I think you did the right thing. I’m surprised at how many men (and sometimes women) speak this way about others. They all have mothers, wives, sisters, or daughters and I’m sure would hate it if someone was speaking like this about their loved ones.
Kendra says
So sad those men did that! I have three boys and I’m working so hard to make sure they are respectful of woman and would never ever say anything these men were saying.
Kacie says
That’s very sad, and I think you did the right thing! I would have been livid if I over heard anything like, and in a coffee shop of all places! I makes me hope that I’m raising my son to always be kind and respectful to everyone. It’s nice hearing that you did the right thing. 🙂
Megan McCoig says
I believe many think like this. I’ve never read a post quite so in depth on an issue like this, I quite enjoyed it to hear stories.
Robin Rue (@massholemommy) says
Sadly, I think that is how all men think. Most of them are not usually so loud about it, especially in public, but all men think about women like that.