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When You Are Not The Mom You Expected
I knew I was going to be a great mother. Not to sound pompous and arrogant, but I thought I was more prepared than most. I’d grown up volunteering my heart out in the church nursery, teaching Sunday School, leading VBS, babysitting dozens of kids. Every job I’d had was related to children: camp counselor, kid’s library aide, and teacher. Clearly, the years of experience working with kids from cradle to college had ensured I’d be a whiz at mothering, right?
Okay, even I was not quite that confident…so I read a catalog full of parenting books, took three different classes, and then I knew for sure I was going to be an amazing mother.
And then, my first child arrived and the proverbial bottom fell out of my well laid plans, even before we’d left the hospital. All those books and lovely instructors had promised me if I did the prep work, created a plan and stuck to it, everything would be fine, except my little one wasn’t much for plans. Or schedules. Or nursing.
Days melted into weeks and the lack of sleep compounded with attempting to exclusively pump every few hours, being constantly ill myself, and dealing with a newborn while living in a town we just relocated to left me exhausted, lonely, and desperate. None of the books, classes, or prior experiences had prepared me for this.
And as I cried alongside my sweet baby girl, I began to just pour my heart out to God. I told Him I knew nothing about this mothering thing, I promised never to have another kid if He’d just let me survive this one. And the longer I cried, and just said aloud everything I was scared of, the better I felt.
And even though things didn’t magically change overnight, they did change, because I changed. I realized that the books were fine but not the end all expert on my baby. I realized that the only way I was going to make it was admitting I couldn’t figure it all out. I realized that God had chosen me to be my daughter’s mama. Me, with all my imperfections was the perfect fit for this girl. I took things hour by hour, talked to God a lot and somehow, survived those months of motherhood initiation.
And now, 13 years have passed, 3 other babies have joined our family, and I’m still not sure I’m doing things “right” all the time but I do know that God thought, with His help, I could mother my 4 kids, and He is always right.
This post was inspired by our sweet friends, Melinda & Kathy, authors of the fabulous new book, Mothering From Scratch: Finding the Best Parenting Style for You and Your Family. I found it comforting and inspiring. It really addresses what to do when you are not the mom you expected to be with care and compassion and then gently guides you in finding a style that does fit you and your family. Every mom, in any stage of mothering, will benefit from the encouragement and wisdom offered in this book. Go grab yourself a copy, you won’t regret it!
OR enter to win a copy below along with a $15 Starbucks E-Card.
Olivia says
I think my parenting style is all over the place, lol!! For the most part I am pretty laid back, but there are certain areas that I like a lot of structure.
Natalie Orr says
I really love this blog, ladies. Thank you for such great content!
I’m actually not sure exactly what our style would be named but I can relate to this article so much. A lot of prayerfully figuring it out with each step along the way! Would love to read this book and discuss over coffee for the encouragement that every parent needs!
Katelyn Fagan says
Honestly, nothing really prepares you, especially for that newborn stage!
That said, my parenting style is a laid back one that at the same time has some strict rules and order. Ha ha ha. Totally makes sense right? Basically, we have rules, chores, expectations of our children. But, I am a free range parent who doesn’t fret and worry about the little things so much.
Michelle Myers says
We’re extremely similar in parenting!
Heather S says
I’d say my parenting style is laid back and loving! 🙂
lauryn hock says
It is so important to remember that NO ONE is the mom they expected to be!
Caden says
Everything my mother EVER said has pretty much came to fruition and she most certainly was right about a lot of things! Reap what we sew and do the best you can she says!
Winter White says
Thank you for your honesty and candor. I think we all have these perfect plans for ourselves but it takes God to come in and say nope I have something better in store. It can be by allowing us to go through the hurdles in life or shielding us from them. Whatever plans we have for ourselves though God has better ones.
Barb @ A Life in Balance says
I loved reading this as I struggle to get back into my routine after a snow day and sick kids.
Shannon Peterson says
I’m definitely of the attachment parenting parenting style!
Jamie says
There are still days after almost 16 years of being a mom that I wonder what I am doing and think I need to do better!
Randell says
This is so precious and heartwarming! I definitely need to tell my new mama friends to read this. Definitely touching to somebody who needs it
Katie says
I just said to my husband the other day that I was being a mom I didn’t want to be. This was not how I was going to be.
Donella Crigger says
Wonderful post. I tried to exclusively pump, too, but despite all my efforts, my milk dried up at 8 weeks anyway. But during those 8 weeks, I never slept in more than half hour stretches. I didn’t feel like myself and was tearful all the time. It got easier when I stopped trying to do everything “by the book.”
Amanda says
Thank you for writing this! As I’m expecting my first child and will become a mother for the first time in a few months, this was comforting to read!
alyssa says
What a wonderful post. I think we all go into big parts of our lives thinking we’ll be one thing or another and it’s hard to readjust when it doesn’t go as planned but, like you said, it’s never too late to start from scratch.
Sonya says
I’m not sure what my parenting style is either. I don’t believe in spanking and try not to yell to much . I try to say sorry when I make a mistake and I make plenty of them. I’m not the mom I thought I would be. My parenting changes as I learn what works best for each of my kids.
MJ says
This was my exact start to motherhood when my daughter was born in 2012. Two years later with another on the way, I still have so many doubt and now how to manage two is a constant worry. I pray on it daily and I know I am doing the best I can (most days.) Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs mama. I needed to read this today.
Logan Can says
I have no idea what my parenting style is. Live and learn? haha I have learned so much as I go along this road. My son is only 15 months old, but I definitely learn new lessons every day.
Kim says
I am not a mother so I am a neophyte to parenting but I do believie that you have been given the skills needed to mother your own children well with some guidance. Parenting from Scratch sounds like a great read,